I know that a life without love is no life at all.
And love without trust? What of that?"
Yes, what of it? Right now I feel as if my heart was about to leap out of my chest, waltz in the air hand in hand with my soul, and explode into a million and one tiny brilliant pieces. Only to fade into the distance once each spark dies out. Isn't that supposed to be love after all? A stash of passionate fireworks that fizzle out after a very short period of time?
Can you love without trust? At this very moment, I'd have to unwillingly say yes. Can the love without trust last? I have deliberated long and hard, and I have absolutely no idea. I am yet again faced with the age-old dilemma of head vs. heart. Who wins out? Who's to take the backseat and suffer in silence?
My head tells me.. no. You will never change. You will never grow the balls, stand up and be a man. Stand up for me. To be with me. Stand up for what you know could very likely be the most amazing experience of our lives. If you'd only let it. Then you don't deserve her. My head tells me, you're waiting for me to crack first. You're waiting for me to show the first signs of affection, any indication that I might just, possibly, love you.
Still, I don't. I won't.
My heart tells me.. YES. I love you with all the insane unrealistic heart turning triple somersaults in the air before landing flat on two feet stomach filled with too many beautiful Red Admirals soaring to make their first flight after a long dark winter wrapped tight in a cocoon of the finest silk passion that has so long thus defined you and me. I miss you every single day I don't spend with you on top of you inside me outside holding me wrapping me tight in your arms Is that all you think about? lying on your belly face up towards the sun catching every single scorching ray on my face never lighting it up as brightly as your smile always could..
..I love you. But I don't trust you. Or I do. To a certain extent. It's just.. difficult to believe that you might actually mean the things you say and do. So I just don't.
"Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
You learn to pay attention.
Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?"
You are, unfortunately, compatible with me in just about every way. Much as I hate to admit this, we.. complement each other.. I hesitate to use the word perfect, for I no longer believe in perfection. Only what's perfect for me. And at the moment, you are.
You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.
Does this mean I'm supposed to take a hand in this? Do I sit and wait for you to finally realise my worth? Or do I make a stand and proclaim my love for you, and then sit and wait for you to finally realise my worth?..
..Don't make me wait too much longer.. I think my patience is finally wearing thin. Don't make me think no one's worth this much.. because once I do, you and I.. we're through.