My preference has always been for dark chocolate. My tastebuds don't like make your teeth hurt sweeties - I will readily choose a starter over having a cavity-inducing dessert - my friends envy my ability to refuse creamy cakes and rich mouth-watering chocolates.. and that's only because I don't have a sweet tooth. I love the bitter bite you get when you first wrap your tongue around a piece of velvety smooth 80% cocoa chocolate.. followed very slightly by a tinge of sweetness, not so overpowering you can't taste anything but sugar, but just enough to complement the darkness of the dense deep chocolate flavour.

I'm starting to think I conduct my love life in very much the same way...

..I love the way you greet me every time I step through your door. The way you grab my hand and pull me towards you, brushing the stray strand of hair that somehow always gets in the way of your kiss before your lips touch my lips, your eyes locked with my eyes. The way you pull me on top of you wrapping your arms around me so tight, the same strong arms I run my fingers over and over making me feel so small and warm and.. safe.

I love the way you brush the apples of my cheek with your thumb, drawing circles of growing desire across skin that dances like firefly sparks with every touch of your fingers, hands, lips, skin, you.

Whispery breath that tickles the tiny hairs on the nape of the neck, caressing the inner most depths of you.. you know I'm falling in love with you right?

*nods*

But why are you falling in love with me?

What d'you mean sweetie?

I mean, even after all I've done to you. How can you still feel this way about me?

*pause* Well.. to be honest, I don't really have an answer to that. That's the last thing I expected you to ask me, and well.. I don't know. I have no idea why I started falling for you. Maybe it's because.. despite everything that's happened, you started being honest with me, and.. I started trusting you.

That's because I no longer felt the need to lie. I had nothing to gain from lying to you.

I know babe.

And then you take my hand in yours and lace your fingers through mine, staring at my hands the whole time you do this as if it was the most precious thing you had ever held in those comforting palms of yours. You bring my hands up to your lips for the sweetest softest kiss..

Me too.

Me too?

Me too. I feel the same way too. Do you know how hard it's been for me to hold it in, to stop myself from screaming out loud I love you every time we make love?

Yes. I know.

"What do you know? You build flying machines and you walk on water, and yet you know *nothing* about life!

I know that a life without love is no life at all.

And love without trust? What of that?"


Yes, what of it? Right now I feel as if my heart was about to leap out of my chest, waltz in the air hand in hand with my soul, and explode into a million and one tiny brilliant pieces. Only to fade into the distance once each spark dies out. Isn't that supposed to be love after all? A stash of passionate fireworks that fizzle out after a very short period of time?

Can you love without trust? At this very moment, I'd have to unwillingly say yes. Can the love without trust last? I have deliberated long and hard, and I have absolutely no idea. I am yet again faced with the age-old dilemma of head vs. heart. Who wins out? Who's to take the backseat and suffer in silence?

My head tells me.. no. You will never change. You will never grow the balls, stand up and be a man. Stand up for me. To be with me. Stand up for what you know could very likely be the most amazing experience of our lives. If you'd only let it. Then you don't deserve her. My head tells me, you're waiting for me to crack first. You're waiting for me to show the first signs of affection, any indication that I might just, possibly, love you.

Still, I don't. I won't.

My heart tells me.. YES. I love you with all the insane unrealistic heart turning triple somersaults in the air before landing flat on two feet stomach filled with too many beautiful Red Admirals soaring to make their first flight after a long dark winter wrapped tight in a cocoon of the finest silk passion that has so long thus defined you and me. I miss you every single day I don't spend with you on top of you inside me outside holding me wrapping me tight in your arms Is that all you think about? lying on your belly face up towards the sun catching every single scorching ray on my face never lighting it up as brightly as your smile always could..

..I love you. But I don't trust you. Or I do. To a certain extent. It's just.. difficult to believe that you might actually mean the things you say and do. So I just don't.


"Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?

You learn to pay attention.

Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?"


You are, unfortunately, compatible with me in just about every way. Much as I hate to admit this, we.. complement each other.. I hesitate to use the word perfect, for I no longer believe in perfection. Only what's perfect for me. And at the moment, you are.

You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.

Does this mean I'm supposed to take a hand in this? Do I sit and wait for you to finally realise my worth? Or do I make a stand and proclaim my love for you, and then sit and wait for you to finally realise my worth?..


..Don't make me wait too much longer.. I think my patience is finally wearing thin. Don't make me think no one's worth this much.. because once I do, you and I.. we're through.

Patience is key.

And apparently I like playing chess so much, I've moved my game pieces into real life. Three life-sized pawns, dancing to the fiddler's tune.

Check-and-mate.

I win.

Why won't you admit it?

Admit what babe?

Why won't you admit you love it?

*laughs* Oh, trust me, I do. I love it very much.

..

*a bit later on* Why won't you admit it?

Admit WHAT babe?

Why won't you admit you love me?

Why don't you?

I HAVE babe.

No you haven't.

You know I love you.

No I don't.

I love you.

*silence*

Say it.

No.

..

*much later on* I love making love to you.

Is that why you love me then?

No.. I love you because you make me feel complete. I love everything about you. I love kissing you.. I love looking into your eyes while we make love knowing you feel exactly the way I do.. I love your body, I love your hair, I love you, I'm in love with you.

*pause*

Say it.

No.

..

*whispers* Tell me when you're sober and awake, and I might just believe you.

Note: so you owe me dinner, and a present. Not to mention something absolutely fantastically mind-blowing for my birthday..

..and trust sweetheart, I plan on collecting on every single promise you've made.

Urgh.

I'm not pissed off you cancelled.. in fact, I'd more than expected it, and prepared a contingency for such an occasion. No, I'm pissed off that you didn't bother telling me you'd cancelled. I'm pissed off with all the BULLshit coming out your mouth, like you actually expect me to believe them?

You must really take me for a fool.

Wonder what crap you're gonna pull out your ass tomorrow. And boy, you BETTER fucking apologise too.

the girls are cool..

OMG. Kill yourself now. kthxbye.

“Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.” - Lisa Simpson

..no I can't.

I can't stop listening to this. It's as if she looked deep inside me, took my life apart piece by piece, grabbed my heart and wringed it to eke out the droplets that make up her song..